If I Stay
by visionsofmangos
Summary: A collection of ficlets centered around the choice to stay or leave. Inspired by Gayle Forman's novel, If I Stay. Multiple POVs. Not sure how many chapters this will be, but they're all one-shots, so... yeah.
1. Falling

**A/N: I started writing this less than ten minutes after finishing (or rather, devouring) Gayle Forman's book, **_**If I Stay**_**. It's quite an excellent book, and if you haven't already, I suggest you read it. The concept of the story wormed its way into my head and produced plot bunnies that simply would not go away; in fact, said plot bunnies reproduced in typical rapid plot bunny fashion, and within the space of a few minutes, this fic was born. Please bear in mind that this is my first time writing from many of these characters' perspectives, so it probably won't be anywhere near perfect, but I hope it will be enjoyable anyway.**

**Well, kids, I guess it's time for me to actually get to the story now. Remember: always bring the salt, and bowties are cool!**

Castiel (sometime season 4/5)

_If I stay…_

I stare down at Dean, who is sleeping fitfully. I am not sure, actually, if his current state may accurately be referred to as "sleeping." But sleeping is something I have never done, so who am I to say?

There are so many things I have not done. Human things, angel things. I have not found God. I have not found love. So many things I am searching for that I have not found. Yet here, now, I am beginning to think that I may have found a reason to stay.

There are so many things for me to do in heaven. I have my duties just as all of my brothers do. My brothers themselves ought to be enough to draw me home. I belong with them. I belong with the host.

I belong here, too, though… don't I? I belong with the Winchesters. Dean and Sam feel more like family to me than my so-called brothers ever have. We have our disagreements, of course – over little things, such as whether it is an abuse of my power to make me "zap" their clothes clean after a hunt, thereby relieving one or the other from laundry duty; as well as over big things, like the apocalypse and other matters of heavenly import. My brothers and I have had our fights as well, but with them, it feels less like sibling rivalry and more like a power struggle. With the Winchesters, even our arguments are meant, I believe, in an attempt to better understand one another.

I would _like _to stay, I realize suddenly. I do not want to leave the Winchester brothers. This is belonging; this is family. But how can I stay, when I am being summoned back home—

_No_, I utter suddenly, forcefully, to myself; it is only when Sam grunts and rolls over, half-aware, and Dean automatically reaches for the knife under his pillow, that I realize I spoke aloud: _this _is home now.

I brush a finger across each brother's temple to placate him, starting with Dean because he is more likely to attack me. I smile almost involuntarily, watching them actually sleep this time; they look innocent, peaceful. That idyllic image will be shattered, of course, when they awake; but for now – for now, I revel in the moment, marveling at the sweetness of this new feeling of living not for tomorrow or next month or next year, but now.


	2. Sam in Dreamland

_If I stay…_

I consider it, briefly but deeply. Outwardly, I am glaring at my other self soaked in blood and tragedy; on the inside, I am, as always, pondering, thoughts and possibilities tumbling through my brain faster than I can keep up with them.

Part of me wants this. If I stay here, in this dreamland, I can finally rest. I could have the apple-pie life I'm always trying to sell my brother on; all the things and people I can't have because, as a hunter, I'm busy saving people, hunting things: the family business, as Dean put it so many years ago. Man, Stanford seems like another life to me now… and I suppose, in a way, it is. I was a different person then, no doubt about that. And Jess… This other self, the me that knows about hell… well, if what he says is true, then I can have her, too. And ultimately, that is the one thing that gives me pause. Because all that other stuff, I'd give that up in a heartbeat for my brother; but settling down with Jess…

My brother. Dean! He needs me. He's on his own out there, fighting God knows how many monsters and demons – and hey, it's not like God seems to care much about this war, anyway! That's what's real. This stuff in here, it's all in my head. Just a dream. Jess… My heart constricts a little at the thought of leaving her again, but this time I realize I can't stay, not even for her. This is all just pretending. That other self I'm staring at, who I was in hell, he's part of me too. Not remembering what I did doesn't change that I did it. Because of me, people are already dead, and some are hurting and maybe dying—

DEAN! The reminder explodes inside of me, and like that, my choice is made. Out there is what's real, and what's real is that my brother could be dying. The way I see it, I don't have a choice. Not really. Or I do, I guess; you've always got a choice, but I know what I've got to do. I can't stay. I've got to go, got to rescue my stupid-headed jerk big brother.


	3. Mother Mary

Mary (1.09 "Home")

_If I stay…_

My boys are here. My precious boys! If I could cry in this form, I would be sobbing. Look at them, all grown up! They'd cringe to hear me talk about them like that, but it's been years since I've seen my sons. Sammy, my tiny fussy baby, tall as a mountain, and – oh, Sammy, who let your hair grow so long? And Dean – Dean, my brave boy, a big brother to his core: my heart, or what passes for it, swells with pride as I watch him step instinctively in front of Sam, willing to die to protect his little brother. More than anything I want to speak to them, to touch them, to let them know I'm here.

I'm here, boys. Mommy's here.

I could stay, I realize. I could stay here with them, enjoy this moment, and follow them to heaven. But no. The instant I think it, I know I won't. It will mean expending the last of my energy, but I will gladly do whatever it takes to protect them. I am a mother, after all, and these are my babies. My all-grown-up babies, who deserve decades more of whatever happiness they can find in this life.

And so, for a second time, I die – once more to save the children I love.


	4. The Proposal

John (pre-series)

_If I stay…_

Mary's gazing at me adoringly, having just said the words I equally anticipated and dreaded: "I want to get married, John. I love you."

"I love you, too," I want to say back. I want to shout it. But – and I'm ashamed to admit it, even to myself – I'm afraid.

Afraid of what will happen. Afraid of her reaction, if things moved beyond the abstract, if I really did propose. Afraid of what our parents will think. Afraid that what feels like love is only temporary, forced affection that will disappear at the first sign of a struggle…

But we've had our share of fights before, right? And we've made it through every one of them. In fact, it's when Mary gets all angry and agitated that I find her the most irresistible… not that I would ever tell her that, of course!

It's impossible to think straight with her looking at me like that. Like I'm the most important thing in her world. Like she'd like to— But I swallow and stop that thought right there.

The thing is, in spite of all these uncertainties, I _do _love Mary. I love her with everything I've got. I love the way she squeezes my fingers bloodless when we watch a scary movie; I love the face she makes when she smells something gross; I love her squeals when she spots babies at the mall; I love the way she pouts and acts all cranky when she's hungry; I love how, out of all the women I've met, she's the only one with balls enough – or, you know, whatever – to stare down a spider or a mouse without flinching. I love Mary and everything about her. And, I realize, as sappy as it sounds, I can't picture my future without _her _in it.

"Mary Campbell," I say, forgetting to feel foolish, "what do you think of changing your name to Winchester?"


End file.
